No More Empty Fortune Cookies!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Taking Care of Me

I've been through withdrawals. Trust me, I know what it's like for every cell of your body to ache for that chemical that you've been pumping into it for years on end, day after day, hour after hour.
I know the hunger of addiction.
I know the loneliness, the desperation, the hopelesness, and worst of all, the apathy.
It sucks you in, leaves room for no one and nothing else. Not even love, family, art...

I suppose that's why I get so frightened sometimes when I think about how I used to be...where I used to be...why I used to be there.
I never want to live that way again. I never want to be that person again and I sometimes wish I never had been her in the first place.

On the other hand, without those experiences, how could I be who I am today? How could I hold the empathy and passion for life that I now know? Could anyone who hasn't seen what I've seen possibly know what I know?
I've yet so much to learn in this life, and I hope that I remain open to learning each lesson as it comes.
It's been seven years now since I went to rehab for the third time in my life.
Yet for the past week, I've had almost every symptom of withdrawal I ever had in the first month of being clean, all those years ago.
I know it's completely psycho-somatic at this stage...but it's bothersome.
Such deep thoughts for a sun-shiny Sunday morning, I know...
See...this is what happens to me when it's been too long since I've had an outlet. I've not had the opportunity to paint or really write since I lost my job. I've kept myself busy cleaning house and baking cookies and doing school papers. Distractions.
Yesterday, I found myself in a bit of a funk. In talking it over with Wifester, I announced, " I think I'm just depressed..."
Eventually, I confessed " I just need to paint. I haven't painted in so long." To which she responded, " What's stopping you? Go paint! You'll feel so much better..."
Why haven't I painted? For one thing, I've blocked off access to my little painting area with piles of boxes of stuff to be yard saled, stuff to be taken to Goodwill, and other things that still need to be sorted through. Secondly, I seem to do that to myself when I feel not worthy doing what I enjoy the most. I take it away from myself.
I decided that it was worth my sanity to clear a pathway to my easel, and make use of it.
I started on this, I'm a bit undecided where this will end up going, but I like the way it has started...and I feel sooooo much better.
Funny how that works.

16 cookies cracked:

Stacey said...

That's beautiful! Sorry you're feeling kind of rough right now, and I hope the painting and family (and whatever else makes you happy) helps pull you out of it quick.

Gary Rith Pottery Blog said...

oh Cookie, great painting and DEFINATELY the right thing to do!

Pagan Sphinx said...

I seem to be suffering from general apathy. I hope it's just that it isn't warm yet and nothing is in bloom.

I'm so glad that you made the space and time to do something healing. Thanks for letting me learn a little more about your life.

Sylvia K said...

It is beautiful! Hang in there and be kind to yourself, you're worth it and you have so much beauty to give, to share. I hold good thoughts for you. Have some of those problems myself from time to time.

Little Miss Sunshine State said...

I think it's really beautiful.

I'm working, but 20 hours a week at minimum wage. I have my head in the sand about medical bills that continue to go unpaid.
My brother is in dire straits and I'm going to ask him to move in with us until things get better.

Try not to give in to the depression, it's too hard to crawl back up when we get down so far.

3continentfamily said...

Paint!

This one is beautiful. Make time for it.

Joe said...

There's a 50/50 chance that something wonderful will happen tomorrow. Don't give up.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Hang in there, Sweetie and PAINT! You never know....that might turn into a revenue stream for you.

Lauren said...

That painting is beautiful. You should paint! It's the best thing for channeling all your energy into something and creating beauty out of all of it.

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. Your explanation at the top was so poignant and raw.

Reb said...

That is beautiful FC. I'm saddened to think you need to punish yourself, but I am happy that you recognize a different cure for that itch that drugs used to scratch. Keep your chin up honey, things will get better.

MagMom said...

Your painting is beautiful! I hope it's healing. Keep painting!

Karen said...

Deep thoughts.

When I wasn't working, I felt like I didn't deserve to do things that I enjoyed doing, even though I finally had the time to do them. It was a stupid feeling and I advise against it.

Glad you are taking care of yourself!

Jeanne said...

That painting is wonderful!

g-man said...

I get the same sorts of feelings when I have not had sex in a long time. I love the texture of the tree, and the perspective. I'm glad that painting has made you feel better.

Gary Rith Pottery Blog said...

just did a post about you--best wishes!

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I love that picture!