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Thursday, April 23, 2009

A letter to my breasts

Now, I'm not usually one to complain. maybe I am. Let me live in my little delusion, it's my blog. Ahem. Anywhoodle, as I was saying. I'm not one to complain, *giggles* but I have a serious concern and I need to get it off my chest, pardon the pun. I've found that letting these things fester will only harbor resentment, and I don't like to be the harborer of resentments. It just feels yucky. I know some of you won't have the vaguest clue as to what I'm talking about, while some of you will be saying "Amen, Sister!" I'm sorry if I isolate or neglect a certain portion of my readers today, but eh, it's not like I haven't done it before, like oh, say, with politics...
Today's rant is not so civically oriented, nor is it even environmentally centered as my past rants have been.
Today, I'm talking directly to my breasts. I've decided to write a letter to them, because I was once told that a letter, even if it's left unsent, will help to resolve so much, so here goes.

Dear Twins, (yes, that's what I call them, shut up!)
I write to you today to set some boundaries. It's not that I don't love you, believe me, I do. But it seems that the two of you have gotten too big for your britches, so to speak. I know you like to be free and unconstrained, who doesn't? I myself look forward to stripping my clothes off and getting into comfy pj's every night. But this business of busting out of my bras has gotten out of control. Those things are expensive when purchasing for Twins of your size. As I type, I'm wearing two bras, one to compensate for the holes in the other. It's not comfortable, to say the least. I know you don't like it. I feel you itching and sweating under all that cotton and lace. It's your own fault! You brought this upon yourselves. All I'm saying here is cut me some slack. I have no income to speak of right now, I just need you to be nice to the bras we have. Work with me, and I'll work with you. Is it the cotton blend you object to? Fine. Next purchase will be 100%, organic even, I promise. But please, for the love of all that's mammory and pillowy, stop busting out of my bras!

Warmest regards,

3 cookies cracked:

Gary Rith Pottery Blog said...

OH! Well then. I am sure they will try to be better in the future. You have to speak firmly with them, I am sure....

Reb said...

I really shouldn't laugh and I certainly wouldn't want any harm to come to them, but that was funny and well written!

Now, a hint....stop eating soy! I was a very wonderful comfortable almost B even through the steroid influenced weight gain. Then several years later, (after losing and regaining yadda, blah) I was given exercises for a back injury, great...I exercised my way to a C. Then a few years later, I discovered a cereal with soy in it and they shot up to D's within 6 months! I was raving how good this cereal was to my pharmacist and he said men shouldn't eat it as soy will give them boobs too. Of course, then I got cancer and now one is back to a B! They also recommend you don't eat soy, but other studies say it doesn't make any difference as far as getting cancer goes. So, there is my two cents - about all it's worth ;)

Sorry, didn't mean to make such a long post.

Anonymous said...

FC, just remember to treat the girls nicely or they might rebel and make you visit the squish-meister at a seriously uncomfortable time... mine did!