Poetry Day

I loved you once,
long ago,
in a place I don't speak of today.

You took my hand,
and guided me into the
depths of your despair.

Hand in hand,
I followed you,
Until I was lost
even to myself.

I don't follow your path these days,
an I happily proclaim,
"I won!"

Spring Chickens

As I read an article about the foreclosure crisis the other day, it struck me.

I'm not the spring chicken I thought I was.

The epiphany came somewhere around the paragraph that started with:

"Middle aged couples, those age 35-65..."

And suddenly I went,

"Holy SHIT! I'm friggin' MIDDLE AGED!"

I thought surely that can't be right, and tried to push it out of my mind.

Later, when I went out with the Wifester to run some errands, I stopped in to buy some wine. The guy in front of me got carded, and I thought,

"huh, he looks about my age."

So I began to fish out my own ID and had it in hand, prepared for the cashier's request...

Which never came.

I guess that settles it. I'm officially OLD.

Desperately Seeking Fortune Cookies!

It's hard for me to ever stand up for myself, especially now that I am dependent upon someone else to provide a roof over my head.

It's not really big things at all, it's little stuff. And even at that, I have a hard time standing up for me. For example, lights. I need every single light on in the room just to be able to see the way you see in a dimly lit room. No kidding. It's part of my retina deterioration. The light sensors in my eyes are mostly all dead, so even in the bright sunlight, it looks cloudy and overcast to me all of the time. Dark.

When I paint or draw, I sit under four high power floor lamps, all pointed at the canvas. I've done it like that for years, but we didn't realize how bad that meant my eyes really were. I just thought I liked the light.

I like to be green and energy conscious, I do! I started that whole Green La Vergne group a few years back, I recycle, I use my canvas bags at the grocery store, I use curly light bulbs...So when I have the lights on, it's not that I'm being negligent of the energy usage, it's because I really, truly do need them.

For some reason I just can't find it in myself to say, "Yes, I do need all those lights on." When someone comes in the room and says, "Geez! You don't need all these lights!", and flips a few switches.

Instead, I shrink. Partially out of embarrassment for my own ineptness, partially out of fear of rocking the boat if I tell my truth, and partially because I don't feel like I deserve to have those lights lit up just for me.

I mean, what IS that? I never had a problem standing up for myself before. Somehow, somewhere in the process of becoming visually impaired, unemployed, and an occupant of my in-law's basement, I have lost my gusto for taking care of me.

Now, how do I go about getting that back?

Hello Miss Bettie

I'm working on a pin up girl series of greeting cards to try to sell in my Etsy shop. It's been a while since I had anything posted for sale in there. I got Miss Betty Page completed, now for a couple more vintage hotties to make a set...who should be next? 

What a ride

What a ride life can be, eh? I mean, one minute you're coasting along, all's right with the world, and in an instant everything can change.
One of my best friends ever since around the 8th grade is sitting by her daughter's side at in the ICU, while her daughter's father is down the hall in another room, and his fiance' is laying in the morgue.
Why? Why do these things happen?
I talked to the daddy yesterday, who I have also maintained a friendship with for nearly 20 years, and he has the survivor's guilt thing happening pretty badly. He is grieving the loss of the love of his life, wondering how he will ever get along without her, worried about the astronomical hospital bills that are sure to come for his daughter and him, and most of all concerned about his daughter's future. Next to the family dog and his fiance', neither of which survived, the daughter is who suffered the most injuries. Head on collisions are not known for their delicate nature, and this one certainly was nothing if not violent.
There they are, riding in the slow lane of a 6 lane highway, when some kid coming around a curve veers straight at them. No time to react. No time to say goodbyes.
I don't know how I would handle the situation, were I in his place, in my friend, the daughter's mother's place. I honestly don't.
It is a comfort to them now, that mom and dad have been able to maintain a true friendship since their divorce. One needs all the friends they can find at times like these.
I keep thinking about the daughter...16 years old, laying in the ICU, broken pelvis and now missing her spleen, a good portion of her small intestines, and several inches of her large intestines. And finding out her dog and her step-mom are no longer here.
I keep thinking about all the photos my friend sends me of this daughter playing basketball, volleyball, cheerleading...How deeply will the rest of her life be impacted by this split second incident.
What a ride life can be.

Forward Momentum

Seems like every time I promise to keep up with this blog more regularly, the further behind I get on actually blogging.
It's been difficult to make myself sit in front of the screen long enough to construct a full and concise thought, much less to actually take the time to blog about it.
I guess it's the stress, but it seems like my eyes get so tired so fast. I hate that. I've actually resorted to "reading" via audio books. I feel like that's cheating, but my eyes just go blurry and my vision gets all double and jumpy when I try to read. Even large print.
I suppose I should just be grateful for the free audio book player that the center for the blind sent to me, and all the free audio books from the library of congress. And I am. Really, I am. But honestly, I think they could have kept this stupid white cane a little bit longer. At least it is getting some use, though. It's great for pulling things down from the top shelf.
All's not doom and gloom, though. I have found inspiration in my vision loss and created some visual impairment awareness tshirts, of which I am donating $1 of each sale to The Foundation Fighting Blindness. If you aren't aware of them and the work they do, I implore you to swing by their site and check them out. And if you have a few dollars to throw at them, please do. Among many other things they do to help the visually impaired and blind folks of this planet, they work to fund research to help find a cure for currently incurable diseases like mine.
I've also picked up some more leads on some web design work, small jobs, maintenance mostly, but it's something.
On another good note, The Wifester and I joined a social group here in Cleveland that is comprised of committed gay/lesbian couples who get together monthly for outings, dinners, crafts, etc. We met up today at one of Lake Erie's beaches, just west of Cleveland. It was a wonderful day, sun shine, cool breeze blowing off the lake, and LOTS of really nice people to mingle with. We took the dogs with us because we knew they would be great conversation starters, and they were. I laughed because we fit the stereotype...lesbians with big dogs, and the gay men with their little, tiny dogs. Why is that?
I met another lesbian who is losing her sight, though her's is due to macular degeneration while mine is a retinal degeneration. Her central vision is gone, so she only sees some of the periphery, where as I have decent central vision, and no peripheral. We joked that maybe if we combined our eyes we may get a decent pair out of the deal. I think it is important to find humor in this. Keep pushing forward, one foot in front of the other...even if I have to look down to see where to plant each step. What else can I do?

The Fog

My eyes are terribly blurry today. It's like looking through a moderate fog. This fog has been getting thicker and thicker over the last several weeks, and seems to be at its worst first thing in the morning, and then later in the afternoon when my eyes are tired from reading throughout the day. Give them a rest, and some of the fog dissipates. Read or play video games and it comes back. I guess they say that's normal for my eye condition. I wish I didn't know about it. At least when I didn't know, I just thought my eyes are strained, rest them and all is well again.
All will not be well again, as far as my eyes are concerned, and it pisses me off.