It's hard for me to ever stand up for myself, especially now that I am dependent upon someone else to provide a roof over my head.
It's not really big things at all, it's little stuff. And even at that, I have a hard time standing up for me. For example, lights. I need every single light on in the room just to be able to see the way you see in a dimly lit room. No kidding. It's part of my retina deterioration. The light sensors in my eyes are mostly all dead, so even in the bright sunlight, it looks cloudy and overcast to me all of the time. Dark.
When I paint or draw, I sit under four high power floor lamps, all pointed at the canvas. I've done it like that for years, but we didn't realize how bad that meant my eyes really were. I just thought I liked the light.
I like to be green and energy conscious, I do! I started that whole Green La Vergne group a few years back, I recycle, I use my canvas bags at the grocery store, I use curly light bulbs...So when I have the lights on, it's not that I'm being negligent of the energy usage, it's because I really, truly do need them.
For some reason I just can't find it in myself to say, "Yes, I do need all those lights on." When someone comes in the room and says, "Geez! You don't need all these lights!", and flips a few switches.
Instead, I shrink. Partially out of embarrassment for my own ineptness, partially out of fear of rocking the boat if I tell my truth, and partially because I don't feel like I
deserve to have those lights lit up just for me.
I mean, what IS that? I never had a problem standing up for myself before. Somehow, somewhere in the process of becoming visually impaired, unemployed, and an occupant of my in-law's basement, I have lost my gusto for taking care of me.
Now, how do I go about getting that back?
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